He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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