someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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