Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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