Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
