I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
