I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
