just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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