In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize