just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
