I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
