Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
