just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
