Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
