you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
