You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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