Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Boobs speak an international language.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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