I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
