I am full of burrito and curiosity
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
