Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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