She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
