I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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