see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
