I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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