the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
