You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
