jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
