I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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