So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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