So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
