i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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