she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
