Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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