The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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