He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
