He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
