I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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