If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
