now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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