her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
