I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
