Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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