so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
