About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
