It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
