i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize