yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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