Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
