You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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