I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
