laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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