I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
