Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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