Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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