i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
