This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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