So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
