I wannas sexs uuuuu
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
