epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
