So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
