You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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