Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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