The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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